Recently I attended a panel of successful women entrepreneurs where they shared secrets to their success and offered advice to a crowd of other women aspiring to be leaders in their companies or looking to launch their own businesses. One of the questions asked centered around how the panelists managed to “do it all” or “balance everything” in their lives. This question inevitably comes up at almost every panel or speaking event I attend that is geared toward an audience of women.
And I’ve heard the same response over and over and over again.
“Marry the right guy, ladies!”
This is often followed by loud laughs and chuckles in the room.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
After the laughter subsides, the speaker usually follows the joke with a serious explanation: that she has been able to balance all the demands on her time because she has a partner who either stays at home with the kids OR has a flexible enough career to be able to be the primary caregiver (last night’s panelist married a musician and encouraged others to find musicians to marry).
Can you tell I’m thrilled with this common response? And this panel wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this advice. I can’t even count on both hands how often I’ve been told this secret tip as a young woman eager to learn the secrets to being successful.
And guess what? I did marry this guy!
My (now ex-) husband had a flexible schedule that allowed him 3 days off a week. Even though we didn’t have children, he still couldn’t manage the household tasks that would have allowed me to focus on advancing in my career and business school with less stress than I encountered.
This is not the secret sauce, sisters. It’s not even close.
Because guess where this question comes from?
It comes from shame and guilt and fear.
It comes from the worry that we aren’t enough just as we are.
That we aren’t holding our weight as mothers and wives and daughters and friends and bosses and leaders and… and… the list goes on and on.
That we have to meet (and exceed… right?) all these unnamed expectations for these roles in order to be considered “successful.”
I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Are you?
So, here is the challenge for all of us. How can we *redefine* what success looks like? Make it our very own? I’m sure (in fact I KNOW) you have some ideas. I have never met a woman I’ve worked with who couldn’t answer that question very quickly.
We know what we value and prioritize. We just need to shake off the pressure (and shame and guilt and fear) that comes from our vision looking different than everyone else’s.
It’s not easy. But I believe in you. Because guess what?
I do know what the secret to your success is.
It’s YOU.
All of you.
Every single powerful, brave, courageous, confident, resilient, persistent, badass part of you.
You’ve always had it in you, sister. The fire is there. Ready to be lit.
Here’s a match.